I’ve gone back to work. It’s strange, because I knew beforehand it would be the hardest thing I’ve ever done to leave my baby and return to work, but in the end it has proven much harder than I imagined. I have to really control my thoughts to not become envious of those mothers who are able to stay home with their children, but sometimes it just doesn’t seem fair. And, yes, I know in the grand scheme of things there are many more important things to worry about in the world. But not in my world. In her seven weeks of life, Grace has managed to collect my heart, wrap me around her finger and, in short, become the very center of my universe. Which makes it very difficult to sit at work with her picture staring at me saying, “Why you want to leave me, Mommy?” She’s growing so fast and I already feel like I’m missing it. I guess in the back of my mind I just always assumed that at the last minute there would be some great miracle and I would be able to quit work and stay with her. But that didn’t happen. And now I’m left contemplating my own faith in God. Is it a lack of faith when you know God CAN do something but you’re just not sure if he WILL? Don’t worry, I’m not "falling away" – just going through a few growing pains, spiritually speaking. And it’s possible that I’m even a little disappointed in God for not doing what I wanted Him to do. Wow, did I just actually admit that outloud? Sounds rather childish, doesn’t it? It would, of course, help immensely if I went back and reread that passage where the it says, “In all things God works for the good of those who love him.” But this doesn’t mean we always know what it is that’s “good” for us. Like in the story of Joseph and the story of …. Well, practically everyone in the Bible – what’s good for us is many times is what we least expect. It feels like God has left me alone even though I know he really hasn’t. But, for whatever reason, He does seem to have chosen to remain silent for now. So for now I will wait in His silent, holy presence. I will be still and find comfort in knowing that He is my God and I am His child. And hard as it is to imagine, no matter how much I love Grace, He loves her more. So I am having to learn to be at peace knowing He is present with her, even if I can’t be.

I think it's amazing that you can contemplate God's love for Grace, even if you're disappointed about having to return to work. Sounds like faith to me. Did I just use amazing and Grace in the same sentence?

AMAZING GRACE!! Ah yes... how sweet the sound. LOL Thanks Kaatje, that means a lot.